just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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