Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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