What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
