dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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