so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
