Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
