i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
