I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
