and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
