Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I wish I could teleport
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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