this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
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We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
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Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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