why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
