i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
