so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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