I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
