i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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