Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
