It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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