am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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