John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
