I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize