be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
