so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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