so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
