And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
