Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
People in love make me want to vomit
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
