i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
