So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
