they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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