He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
