foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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