Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
