Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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