Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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