Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Houston, we have a blender
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
