i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
