He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
