What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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