There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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