I think my fart just growled at me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
