she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
