my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
