Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
