I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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