What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
