Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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