Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
