corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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