I'm so fucking centered right now
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
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