this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
