my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
