there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
