I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
