Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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