allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
